Articles by Kat Allen are listed separately under sub-pages, with her most recent article posted below. I love hearing comments, so feel free to write me at kat@fouraims.com!
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Good News for Relationship
There actually are requirements for developing and keeping healthy intimate relationships. Learn how your relationships can be more conscious and flow more smoothly by following these constructive choices...
1) Learn to witness yourself and the situation from a place outside your personal experience, often referred to as "the balcony view." This is really hard to do when you are triggered by something that angers you, especially if you feel you've been 'wronged' somehow. But as soon as you get your thinking mind back on track, dealing with and quieting the emotions that got you triggered and unreasonable, move as quickly as possible to trying to see things from your partner's (or friend's, or boss's) perspective. Chances are, things weren't as you first assumed, and your level of emotion may be a bit out of proportion. From there, be careful to not condemn yourself too harshly for not staying calm, but inquire into what habitual thoughts came up, in a flash, to make things go south for you. Do you tend to blame others? Why? What has contributed to your being reactive or defensive? Use any difficult exchange to learn about your reactivity, and get to the bottom of your defensive structure.
2) Go for what you want, both in the short-term, and in terms of the bigger picture of your relationship. If you are only looking for the short-term gratification of being right in the moment, not only will it get in the way of bringing you closer to the actual goal For instance, she wants to go for a walk, but I need her to help me pack up the car. When she does, she ends up leaving the stuff right behind the car without putting it in, and since I don't know about it, I back right into it, that really pisses me off! So I yell at her, and she gets defensive and I leave in a huff. So, there may be situations where we "have a right" to feeling frustrated, but we all have to realize that self-righteousness often gets in the way of the kind of connecting we actually desire overall. Learn to keep in mind that your partner is dear to you, and not someone you want to berate or condemn. Yes, she left that stuff right behind the car without you knowing, so that you backed into it and messed up the bumper...frustrating, yes; life-threatening, no. And not something that someone needs to be shamed for. Do you want to alienate your partner with anger and criticism, or can you remember that you are human too, and make mistakes? It's perhaps time to re-consider: what do you really want from intimate relationship, and are you acting in a way that's getting you what you truly desire? If not, why not? If you can't figure that one out, then it's time to seek professional guidance! A third party not connected to your two "stories" is much more able to see things that neither of you can see. Remember, there is strength in being able to asking for help.
3) Discover the emotion that is underlying your need for something specific. It's imperative to get to, acknowledge and accept the deeper need(s) that are fueling your process, or your emotions, right then. For instance, when your love doesn't come upstairs for an evening rendezvous in a timely fashion, and you get really sad or mad, ie: triggered by feeling you don't count, it's time to ask yourself, why am I assuming I don't count to him?....Oh, my (father, first boyfriend, best friend) always left me for ages waiting around, and I have this trigger that I'm not appreciated or loved...Okay, it's important that he shows me (I NEED HIM TO SHOW ME) that I'm dear to him--how are the best ways he can do that? Well, yes, not leaving me waiting for our intimate connection really is pretty high on my list. Can I communicate this to him, without becoming a shrew? Yes, I can!
4) Find the willingness to not be right sometimes. Period.
5) Make and receive repair attempts. Once you know that you have played a major or minor part in creating a bad/sad/yucky situation, reach out and try to repair the rift by apologizing. Conversely, if your partner wasn't their best self, be forgiving and receive the apology or the repair attempt, with grace. Remember, a repair can come in many forms, humor being one of the quickest ways to shift things. Be open to receiving as well as offering a repair.
6) When your partner is trying to communicate something, and it's clear that it is important to her/him, listen with empathy. This can happen much easier when a good time has been chosen to talk, or when an actual "date" to talk has been set up beforehand. Then both of you are ready and willing to be in a receptive, non-competitive mode. An empathetic state is one in which you can truly feel what it must be like to have a certain experience, to really stand in sombody's shoes. And as we all know, empathy isn't sympathy, so be careful to not offer sympathy when it's not asked for or appropriate (don't be patronizing!).
7) Respond with generosity. This may take some time to learn, as many of us were not modeled how to be psychically or emotionally generous. If shame was used alot in your family system as a method of bringing you "under control," then responding to another's request, unconditionally, seems to be asking alot. But it is worth it, as you'll see with practice. It opens your heart and changes the energy of every situation.
8) Use the "soft" start-up when you have a complaint. This can make a HUGE difference, and is something that women, especially, need to learn, according to human relationship studies. Take time to figure out how to word your concerns with I-, not You-statements. Such as, "I really miss connecting you with physically, and when you don't reach out for me I feel so sad. What's going on?" rather than "You aren't interested in sex with me anymore and I'm pissed off!"
9) Figure out how to cherish each other. This is not only about making deposits into the Emotional Bank Account of the Relationship, like going out on special dates, or taking time to just be with each other without stressful demands. This is about discovering how each of you needs and wants to be cherished. Each person feels loved in different ways; in his book, The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman explains five fundamental ways that people receive the message that they are loved and appreciated: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. You can find his work online by Googling "The 5 Love Languages."
If we could all just work on one or two of these "requirements," and make a little progress each week in shifting our habitual patterns, how much more connection and compassion would we feel! It's something to keep striving for. I know I will.
Warmly, Kat
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Thoughts on the New Year
Do we Review? Eschew? Renew?
Nirvana is not the blowing out of a candle. It is the extinguishing of the flame because day is come.
- Rabindranath Tagore
You may respond as I do to this quote from the great vedic-inspired Indian poet, which is to say, with hopefulness, and I'm guessing that is what many of us try to do when looking toward the New Year. Personally, I've been thinking a long time about how to respond to our collective tendency to set resolutions as another year looms large, and seem to come back to the perennial favorite option: I'll set intentions rather than resolutions, so as to avoid outright failure.
But when do we need to commit to an action that we really need to implement, or conversely, take the strong option to eschew something that isn't good for us? Its definition reads: to abstain or keep away from; shun; avoid ("to eschew evil"). In the practical application of yoga to life's journey, this is one of a two-part strategy referred to as vi-yoga and sam-yoga. Clarifying what isn't beneficial for me, and doing less of that, or stopping altogether; and supporting and expanding that which is beneficial. But in order to make those determinations, one must, of course, review and inquire. Then, having come to a clear-headed decision about what not to keep doing, how do we go about implementing it?
This is where the idea of renewing comes in, and where, I believe yoga plays a key part. In the tradition I've studied for 35 years, emphasis is placed on what is positively impacting me, my family or community, and really attending to those actions, rather than getting overly focused on what I am shunning. A classic example: to quit smoking, I would attend to getting more exercise and sleep, eating better, and making sure I put myself in wholesome circumstances (friends, music, fun outings), rather than going cold-turkey without changing anything else. If I were to simply stop smoking with no other "therapy" to replace it, I would naturally focus on the vi-yoga side, and obsess about what I am abstaining from. That places pressure on the psyche that doesn't need to be there, doesn't help the process, and almost always leads to failure. Having made the commitment to quit, and focusing on renewal practices, I have a much better chance of succeeding.
So, try to figure out how the renewal aspects of your intentions or resolutions will need to show up, and learn to stay positive, even with the slippages that inevitably occur. I almost always find it necessary to seek support when trying to create change, so check your tendencies to isolate, and reach out to others! Join a yoga class or meditation class or group (I list one below), try snowshoeing, drumming, or join a choir. There are so many ways to find our bodies, minds and spirits, and with this idea of renewal, remember that since it's ultimately about nourishing yourself, there will be please involved. In Sanskrit, the word kama is usually related to sexual pleasure, and is one of the Four Aims of Life for which this center is named. In actuality, kama refers to all sensual pleasure, without which this life would hardly be worth living. So the good news is, when planning to incorporate renwal practices, you will be helping yourself feel good!
And in regards to the bigger picture, if you are really needing a change, but you don't quite know what it is you want, talk to somebody till it gets clearer. It always gets clearer if you keep processing, journaling, dreaming, sharing...
May everyone discover that eternal sense of hope in a new day, or new year, and feel the inter-connectedness of all things.
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