Cultivating Loving-Kindness for Self and Relationship
"Compassion is Our Nature"
Beneath
the sophistication of Buddhist psychology lies the simplicity of
compassion. We can touch into this compassion whenever the mind is
quiet, whenever we allow the heart to open. Unfortunately, like the
clay covering the golden Buddha, thick layers of ignorance and trauma
can obscure our compassion. On the global scale, ignorance manifests
as injustice, racism, exploitation and violence. On a personal scale,
we see our own states of envy, anxiety, addiction and aggression...From
the perspective of Buddhist psychology, compassion is natural. It
derives from our interconnection, which Buddhism calls
"interdependence."
~Jack Kornfield, from The Wise Heart
I
wanted to begin this article with a quote from a favorite meditation
teacher in order to talk about the Revolutionary Art of
Loving-Kindness, to use Sharon Salzberg's phrase, as an essential component for healthy relationships.
Metta Practice, or Loving-Kindness meditation, has been called "the
ground of mindfulness practice" and is a direct link in Buddhism to the
development of compassion. It is one of the forms of meditation I
practice weekly, in addition to my Mindfulness practice and Tantra and
Kriya Yoga meditations.
I was formally introduced to the Metta
practice by Joel and Michelle Levey, wonderful meditation teachers who
live both here in Seattle and on the Big Island. Learning the practice
with them back in 2004 had such a positive impact, especially showing
up in my relationships with my partner and his daughter. I had been
struggling with such fearful, contracted states in regard to them. With this practice, I
then found so much more
spaciousness in me that I was able to look at our relationship
dynamics, and accept what had theretofore been "unacceptable."
“Throughout
our lives we long to love ourselves more deeply and to feel connected
with others. Instead, we often contract, fear intimacy, and suffer a
bewildering sense of separation. We crave love, and yet we are
lonely. Our delusion of being separate from one another, of being
apart form all that is around us, gives rise to all this pain. What is
the way out of this?” So writes Sharon Salzberg in the introduction to
her book, Loving-Kindness: the Revolutionary Art of Happiness, and it
became clear to me that the quality of loving-kindness (karuna in
Sanskrit) was the soil I needed to grow an integrated, mature
spirituality. Nothing was flowing easily back then, and I earnestly
wondered if I could learn a way of being that was more open, more
heart-centered, more free.
Even though I hadn't ever formally
studied Buddhism, these concepts weren't foreign. In the Yoga-Sutra of
Patanjali, one of our most foremost texts on yoga, Patanjali explains
how the yogic state is deepened by practicing the following:
Through
cultivation of friendliness (loving-kindness), compassion, joy and equanimity, in
relationship to pleasure, pain, virtue and vice, respectively, the
consciousness becomes favorably disposed, serene and benevolent.
maitri karuna mudita upekshanam sukha dukha punya apunya vishayanam bhavanatash citta prasadanam
-Sutra I.33, The Yoga Sutra of Patanjali
Translation: mostly BKS Iyengar
Historians
aren't exactly sure who influenced whom, but back in the 2nd Century
(whether BC or AD is undecided), there was such a flowering of discourse
throughout India, Nepal and Tibet, I imagine Patanjali and followers of
Buddha had much to share! Patanjali lists the cultivation of four
active feeling-qualities when faced with life vagaries. How am I to
feel when I see someone who seems very blessed (sukha: full of ease)? Why, I should feel friendly, even loving toward them! When someone is suffering (dukha)?
Compassion! When I see "meritorious acts being performed? I feel joy
or delight. And when faced with unskillful, deceitful, hurtful
actions? I will try to keep a balanced view, and not lose my
equanimity. Patanjali tells us that when we practice these virtues
diligently, our minds will remain tranquil.
In Buddhism, these four virtues are called the brahma-viharas,
or the Four Heavenly Abodes. In the Metta practice these four virtues
are radiated into all parts of the universe for the benefit of all
beings.
This is the practice that Joel and Michelle gave us:
May I be happy and peaceful
May I be free of fear and suffering
May I live with love and compassion
May I fully awaken and be free
We
were encouraged to start repeating this over and over for 15 minutes
once or twice a day for at least a month. But in my case, because I
was so confused and resentful over my family’s dynamics, I was directed
to include the next phase along with my first 15 minutes:
(Visualizing a specific person):
May you be happy and peaceful
May you be free of fear and suffering
May you live with love and compassion
May you fully awaken and be free
Ultimately, as in all of Buddhist practice, we are taught to include all beings:
May all beings be happy and peaceful
May all beings be free of fear and suffering
May all beings live with love and compassion
May all beings fully awaken and be free
When
I diligently practiced my 30 minutes of Metta (Loving-Kindness), I was
able to let go, at a very deep level, all the fear of uncertainty and
the insecurities that kept my mind and heart bound up. I was able to
be present for myself and others, and remain mindful of everything that
blessed my life. I started to feel true compassion, a “suffering
with,” rather than a suffering alone.
Cultivating compassion for
others requires directing loving-kindness toward ourselves. When we
truly love ourselves, we want to nourish and take care of others--it is
our most enriching experience. As we continue to cultivate an intimate
connection with ourselves, we develop a truly genuine, loving, inner
experience, which then begins to extend out, first reaching those we
are intimate with, then all beings.
The very practical side
of this for relationships of all kinds, but especially marriages, is
the expression of more appreciation of our partners. Kathleen and Gay
Hendricks, nationally known couples counselors, state that
“Appreciation is an active art that can be learned,” and consider it a
necessary and vital tool for great inter-relating and intimacy. With
Metta practice, appreciation begins to flow naturally. When we are
appreciative, we see more beauty, we feel better about ourselves, we
experience greater healing, and we begin to see ourselves and others as
deeply connected.
Try practicing Loving-Kindness meditation for just a week, everyday, and see for yourself what shifts occur in you.
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